There’s been a lot of hooplah over whether or not Andrew Jackson should be replaced as the face of the $20 bill. People want a woman on the bill even though women haven’t done anything remotely as important for America as men have. Recently, Harriet Tubman was announced as the one who would replace him. I honestly don’t give a fuck either way. I don’t own a lot of $20s. If it was up to me, though, these are the women I’d put on the twenty. Get ready for some sticky bills.
5. Kylie Jenner
Who personifies the American dream better than a Kardashian? The family came to America and became pretty successful businessmen. Robert gained notoriety for defending OJ Simpson. And when it started to run low, Kim took one* for the team, made a sex tape, and put the whole family on the map. Recognition without the work. That’s the goal. Kylie gets to be on the bill, though, because she didn’t have to get her hands dirty to get famous. She just grew up on a TV show and got hot. I think our stacks deserve someone who’s stacked.
4. Sophie Turner
I know she’s British, but so was America at one point. They’ve got the queen on their money and we can have Sophie. It would be a great way to pay homage to our history with our neighbors across the pond, especially since they pulled an America and broke up with the EU. #Brexit
3. Selena Gomez
Selena Gomez is from Texas. It doesn’t get much more American than that. Plus she’s Mexican. We can claim we’re not racist by putting her on our money. We’re only putting Harriet Tubman on there because she’s a black woman. If we’re going to put a minority woman on our money, she might as well be pleasant to look at.
2. Kate Upton
1. Lana del Rey
Lana del Rey is a bad bitch. She gives absolutely zero fucks. Feminism bores her. She loves America. She’s not ashamed to believe in God. All rare qualities among the elite celebrity hive mind. Nothing’s more American than fucking up the status quo. Plus she has the voice of an angel and the looks to match. Lana should at least be on the face of our $20 bill if not all our money. Coins included.
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